Harry potter and the Warlock's Wafer
by Reclusive Watermelon Angelrock
Summary: Some kid called harry discovers he's a witch, and he goes to school.
1. the boy who lived and the zoo

Right ok. Here we go with the brilliant amazing BRAND-SPANKING NEW. . . . . .  
  
(DRUM ROLL PLEASE)  
  
%$%Harry Potter and the Warlock's Wafer%$%  
  
YAY!  
  
Chapter 1- The (weird) Boy Who Lived  
  
Mr and Mrs Duhsley, of number 40, Private Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved with anything strange and mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.  
  
[[ok hold on. We all know this don't we? I mean come one, it's the first paragraph of the damn book! So moving swiftly onwards. . . ]]  
  
(Fast Forward to the present day, and absorb the following information: There's this guy we met who looks like a really really really really old hippie, a woman who can turn herself into a cat, and a huge man with a bit of a rebellious side. They dumped some poor defenceless baby on a DOORSTEP for Christ's sake I mean, how dangerous is that? Any drunk could just pick him up and whisk him away! Honestly Dumbledore tsk tsk tsk. ANYWAY, he had a scar on his forehead yadda yadda yadda. And here we are on his fat cousin's birthday.)  
  
Aunt Petunia: OI! Get up!  
  
Harry [[ jolting awake after having a very queer nightmare about a freaky man who taught potions at some weirdo school.]] Yes Aunt Petunia.  
  
A.P: And I mean NOW!  
  
H: yes Aunt Petunia.  
  
A.P. don't you get smart with me!  
  
H: No Aunt Petunia  
  
[[ this goes on for some time until. . . ]]  
  
Dudley: PRESENTS!  
  
A.P.[[ under her breath]] God almighty. . .  
  
D: Now Now NOW!  
  
A.P. Of course Dudders! Come and have some brekkie and then we'll open all your prezies! [[ to Harry in a much meaner tone]] MOVE IT!  
  
H [[thinking to himself]] is Dudley a six year old? Why is it: 'Brekkie' and 'Dudders' and 'prezzies'? sigh. . .  
  
Harry got outta his teeny tiny cupboard and ran to the kitchen. [[ which was about 2 feet away. Because of this, he realised too late that he was going to collide with a brick wall, as he was moving too fast, and he fell flat on his face.]]  
  
D: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!  
  
[[Dudley begins to wheeze]]  
  
A.P. oh no! my little Dudders needs his inhaler doesn't he? [[ to harry with that evil tone of voice]] You see what you've done to him? How dare you make a fool of yourself on purpose to make Dudley laugh?  
  
H: but I. . .  
  
AP SAVE IT! Just for that rude answering back. . . make the breakfast!  
  
H: Aunt Petunia I swear I never. . .  
  
A.P. NO! You will not swear either! Have you no respect?  
  
H: look Aunt Petunia I was just trying to. . .  
  
A.P Don't you get smart on me boy! Now COOK!  
  
H: yes Aunt Petunia.  
  
D [[recovering from his momentary asthma and in a mocking tone]] 'Yes Aunt Petunia' 'no Aunt Petunia'  
  
H [[to himself]] well at least I'm not showing off my fat arse!  
  
A.P. [[snapping her head around from the table]] What was that?  
  
H: What?  
  
A.P. you said something.  
  
H [[now very freaked out]] no I didn't  
  
A.P. I'm warning you. . .  
  
Uncle Vernon [[ walking in]] Morning all! Oh and . . . [[ he notices Harry]] you.  
  
H: Morning Uncle Vernon.  
  
U.V. hmm yes. ANYWAY! How are you Dudley my little Brussel sprout?  
  
[[Everyone stares at him as the bacon Harry is 'cooking' burns.]]  
  
U.V. [[acting like nothing has happened]] SO! What's the weather like today and do I smell burning?  
  
[[Aunt Petunia's neck does another abnormal snapping motion as she turns and glares at Harry who is lost in the weirdness of Dudley's nose]]  
  
A.P HARRY!  
  
H. [[coming back to earth]] yes?  
  
AP the bacon?  
  
H what? Oh my god the bacon! Yes. Ok. Fine. Got it!  
  
A.P this will be a loooong day.  
  
D: PRESENTS! NOW!  
  
A.P. yes! Ok!  
  
[[she runs out of the room and comes back in five seconds later with pony and about 70 other presents.]]  
  
H [[thinking]] how the hell did she keep THAT a secret?  
  
A.P. And we're going to the zoo!  
  
H. Oh goody.  
  
A.P. shut up!  
  
D: the zoo! oh yay yay!  
  
[[ So. . . off they go to the zoo!]]  
  
[[ at the zoo they are all hanging out by a cage with a ring-tailed Lemur in it. It is asleep]]  
  
D. make it do something Daddy.  
  
[[Uncle Vernon knocks on the glass]]  
  
H: it says 'do not knock on the glass'  
  
U.V: Fair enough.  
  
[[Uncle Vernon slams his fist into the glass. A large crack appears in the glass. The Ring Tailed Lemur continues to snooze]]  
  
U.V: Ah well  
  
[[they all run off except Harry]]  
  
[[Suddenly as if by *WOW* magic, the creature wakes up and stares at Harry]]  
  
H: hi there.  
  
Ring Tailed Lemur:[[does nothing]]  
  
H: my name's Harry. What's yours?  
  
R.T.L. [[stares]]  
  
H: I wish I was a real boy.  
  
R.T.L. [[Growls]]  
  
H: I promise I will never tell another lie again.  
  
R.T.L [[ pounces at Harry, but there is glass in the way. The Ring Tailed Lemur picks up a stick from it's little glass box and starts to pound on the glass and eventually smashes it.]]  
  
[[everyone screams as Harry decides to show off his football skills and dives to the side as the R.T.L. hurls itself in his direction.]]  
  
[[ eventually they are all back in the car.]]  
  
A motorbike whizzes past.  
  
U.V.: Damn Motorbikes. . .  
  
H: I had a dream about a potions master. He was flying.  
  
[[Everyone stares and Uncle Vernon turned round]]  
  
U.V. potion Masters DON'T FLY!  
  
[[the car swerved off the road into a ditch as Uncle Vernon continued yelling at Harry about why potion master's don't fly.]]  
  
[[fun]]  
  
[[ok guys feedback please]]  
  
[[or I'll die]] 


	2. the letters and the keeper of keys

Chapter 2:  
  
The Letters from No One (Uh. . . the owls? The postman?)  
  
[[The potion master argument had earned Harry his weirdest punishment yet. He was locked in his cupboard for as long as was humanly possible, but he came out for meals. When he had eaten, he was required to do a little dance, which had kicks and everything.]]  
  
[[Harry was very excited about the fact that in September -it's the summer holidays in case you hadn't picked it up yet- he was going to a new school without Dudley. The aforementioned cousin was going to Shmeltings, a boarding school that Vernon went to, that was run by Dr Evil.]]  
  
[[One evening, Dudley was trying on his Shmeltings uniform, which consisted of a skin-tight white "cat suit " if you will, a kitty cat, and a pocket sized "laser beam" for protection.]]  
  
[[The next morning, Harry walked into the kitchen and was greeted by the smell of grass.]]  
  
H: What's that smell?  
  
A.P: Your uniform for Grassfloor's [[the school Harry was going to]]  
  
H: Oh. So, why is it blue?  
  
A.P: I'm dyeing it green.  
  
H: ahh. . . .  
  
U.V: [[walking in]] Petunia! You smell lovely this morning darling! A new perfume?  
  
A.P: Well I. . .  
  
D:[[also walking in]] smells like grass.  
  
U.V: Yes mon petite brussel sprout! It's your mother's new perfume! Lovely don't you agree?  
  
D: mmm great.  
  
[[a small round of laser beams are shot around the kitchen, as Dudley moves to sit down. His new game was to shoot at the walls, the floor, his cat, anything he could if he got bored.]]  
  
H: The post will be here in a minute.  
  
[[Everyone in the kitchen hears the click of the letter-box and flop of letters on the door mat. They all stare at Harry]]  
  
H: what? It always comes around ten to nine! Am I the only one who notices?  
  
Everyone Else:[[stares]]  
  
D:[[farts]]  
  
U.V:[[jolting back into reality]] get the post for us kitty cat  
  
K.C.:[[does nothing, continues to sleep at Dudley's feet.]]  
  
U.V. Petunia! Be a dear and grab the post will you?  
  
A.P.:[[glares at Vernon.]]  
  
U.V. Dudley?  
  
D: no  
  
U.V. Harry get the post.  
  
H: no thanks, I'm eating.  
  
U.V.: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY AUTHORITY! NOW GET THE POST!  
  
H: ok!  
  
[[Harry walks to the hall and picked up the three letters there. Being the retard that he is, he didn't notice that there was a letter for him until he had finished reading all of Aunt Marge's postcard.]]  
  
H[[seeing the letter]] oh!  
  
U.V.[[from the kitchen]] WHAT WAS *THAT*?!?!  
  
H: uh oh.  
  
U.V. [[thundering into the hall]] what's wrong? What's happened? Oh it's just you being a retard right?  
  
H: [[a little too brightly]] Yep! That's me! Being a retard!  
  
U.V. hmm  
  
[[he walked into the kitchen, followed by Harry who was smacking himself on the head]]  
  
D: [[showing a vast amount of knowledge considering his. . . handicap]] Look dad! Harry's smacking himself on the head because he just realised how stupid he was to say "oh!" and make you run into the hall screaming like a lunatic, because he has a letter!  
  
[[he took a very deep breath as everyone stared]]  
  
H: Dudley. . . that was . . . smart.  
  
D: pretty impressive don't you think?  
  
H: yeah. . .  
  
U.V.: Harry got a letter?  
  
A.P: A letter?  
  
H: yes a letter and it's mine, mine ALL MINE! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
U.V. uh. . . no it's not.  
  
H: huh?  
  
U.V. well maybe it is yours, but I'm taking it anyway.  
  
H: no! it's mine!  
  
D: I want it!  
  
H: I want it more  
  
D: no you don't  
  
H: yes I do  
  
D: don't  
  
H: do  
  
D: don't  
  
H: do  
  
D: don't  
  
H: do  
  
D: don't  
  
H: do  
  
[[While this is going on, Vernon shoved them both out into the hall, and slammed the door.]]  
  
H: Hey! We're not in there anymore!  
  
D: [[getting hysterical]]Oh my god! Then where are we? Where are we? Help me Harry! Where are we?  
  
H: uh. . . in the hall?  
  
D: oh yeah! Phew! [[he takes a deep breath and kneels at the door, listening at the keyhole]]  
  
H: hey move!  
  
D: No!  
  
H: Yes!  
  
D: No!  
  
H: Yes!  
  
D: No!  
  
H: Yes!  
  
D: No!  
  
H: Yes!  
  
[[Eventually there is a mud slinging match, and both boys are covered in filth. Dudley wins, so Harry lay on the floor and listened at the crack between the door and the floor.]]  
  
U.V. there after us Petunia! We've got to do something!  
  
A.P. riiiiight. . .  
  
U.V. so I'll just go crazy as a loon, and nail up everything, sleep by the letter box and then be extra nice to Harry and move him up to Dudley's second bedroom.  
  
D [[ smashing the door off its hinges and jumping on Harry's head]] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
U.V. Sorry brussel sprout that's just the way it is [[bursting into song]] #Baby, that's just the way it is baby yeah yeah! Baby. . . #  
  
H: things are looking up but I don't want to have an actual room unless I get my damn letter! U.V. well you won't  
  
H: ok. . .  
  
[[Eventually everyone is celebrating the fact that there is no post on Sundays.]]  
  
[[Vernon is just getting more and more loon as this chapter goes on isn't he?]]  
  
[[anyway, SUDDENLY about 400 letters fall down through the chimney into the room.]]  
  
A.P. [[screams]]  
  
U.V. OK! EVERY ONE INTO THE HALL WHERE I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT LIKE A LOON EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE TO!  
  
[[the went into the hall and Vernon continued to shout while ripping out his moustache]]  
  
U.V: GET YOUR CLOTHES! WE'RE LEAVING!  
  
[[ They drove away and stayed in a variety of nasty places, until they reached the miserable little shack that everyone knows about. Right? Right? Well if you don't, screw it]]  
  
H: it's my birthday in 6 hours, 45 minutes and 6seconds. I'll be eleven  
  
D: so?  
  
H: [[sulkily as no one cares]] I'm just sayin' is all.  
  
[[6 hours, 45 minutes and 6 seconds later, Vernon and Petunia are sleeping on a moth eaten bed somewhere in the shack, Dudley is snoozling on a moth eaten sofa, and Harry is using his amazing brain power to work out that it is now his birthday. He's 11]]  
  
H [[ quietly]] woo!  
  
Door:[[BANG!]]  
  
H: what was that?  
  
Hagrid: only me!  
  
Harry: oh good I was worried it was someone else trying to. . . hold on a mo, who are you?  
  
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of the keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. So, any chance of some food? Oh Harry I nearly forgot. Here's your birthday present. I probably sat on it and as you can see, that might've done it a lotta damage, but it'll taste fine just the same.  
  
[[Harry gave him and odd look]]  
  
Harry: who are you?  
  
Hagrid: I always thought you'd be a little slow Harry. I haven't seen you since you were a baby. So on with the food!  
  
[[ he moved to the fireplace and quickly muttered a spell, of course Harry and those other weirdos didn't know it was a spell but we, being the audience/writers, do]]  
  
Hagrid: that's better. Any butterbeer?  
  
Harry: what?  
  
[[Hagrid sat on the couch and took out all sorts of things from his pockets. A copper kettle, a packet of sausages, a cactus, a teapot, a mop, a small monkey, and a few cups.]]  
  
Hagrid: so, Harry, you know all about Hogwarts then?  
  
Harry: No.  
  
Hagrid: What?  
  
Harry: sorry.  
  
Hargid: DUHSLEY!!!  
  
U.V. stop! I forbid you!  
  
Harry: what?  
  
U.V. don't tell him anything!  
  
Harry: tell me what?  
  
Hagrid: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE DUHSLEY! [[he turned to Harry without realising that he was still shouting]] YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY!!  
  
Harry:[[ after picking himself up after being knocked over by the force of Hargid's roar]] I'm a what?  
  
Hagrid: what are you stupid? Wait don't answer that. A wizard. Here's your letter.  
  
[[ the envelope read: Mr H Potter the floor, hut-on-a-rock, the sea]]  
  
[[ the letter read:  
  
Dear Mr Potter,  
  
You're in! Congrats! Our school rocks we do magic blah blah blah. Term starts September 1st, get the stuff on the other list,  
  
From Professer McGonagall  
  
Deputy Headmistress]]  
  
Harry: Wow.  
  
Hagrid: wow indeed.  
  
U.V. he's not going.  
  
Hagrid: and a muggle like you is gonna stop him I suppose?  
  
Harry: a muggle?  
  
Hagrid: non magic folk.  
  
Harry: ahh. . . .  
  
U.V. we swore a lot when we took him in, and we agreed that wouldn't go and be a wizard!  
  
Harry: you knew? And you didn't tell me?  
  
A.P. KNEW?! OF COURSE WE KNEW! MY SISTER WAS A WITCH TOO! ISN'T THAT JUST FANTASTIC! SHE GETS A LETTER JUST LIKE YOU, GOES OFF TO THAT WEIRDO SCHOOL, GOT MARRIED, HAD YOU AND THEN GOT HERSELF BLOWN UP! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!  
  
[[she took a deeeeeeep breath.]]  
  
Harry: blown up? Tell me everything Hagrid.  
  
Hagrid: well. . . ok.  
  
[[here we go. . . *rolls eyes skywards*]]  
  
Hagrid: see there was this wizard who's name I can't say. . . ok then you pushed me into it. Moldywart. Anyway, he got all these followers, and they killed people. No one lived once you know who said "die". Your mum and dad both got killed by him. Yes that's right Harry, cry all you want. Anyway. When he went to kill you. He couldn't. and that's it  
  
Harry: that's why I'm famous?  
  
Hagrid: uh. . . yeah. That and the fact that your mum was the best pole dancer around.  
  
Harry: what?  
  
Hagrid: Oops, lucky for me you're so slow!  
  
Harry: what happened to Moldywart?  
  
Hagrid: do ya wanna stop sayin' that?  
  
Harry: no. Moldywart Moldywart Moldywart  
  
Hagrid: ok shut up! People think he died, and I think it's a load of muggle dung.  
  
Harry: you mean shi-  
  
Hagrid: ANYWAY! He just went away really. No one's seen him since.  
  
U.V. I'm not having some old guy on pot teaching my nephew!  
  
Hagrid: you are! And just for that. . .  
  
[[ he took the pink mop that he had brought and using it gave Dudley a monkey tail.]]  
  
Hagrid: now I'm going to sleep! Tomorrow we can go get your stuff on the other list. Ok? Good night!  
  
Harry: Wha. . . ? 


	3. just diagon alley cos i'm lazy exams ove...

Chapter 3 : Diagon Alley (have you ever noticed that it sounds REALLY like the word "diagonally"????)  
  
[[Harry woke up with a start, but didn't open his eyes (what a weirdo)]]  
  
Harry: It was a dream. I dreamt that a big man called Hagrid gave Dudley a monkey tail and that I'm a wizard. It was just a dream dream dream dream dream dream dream . . .  
  
Hagrid: Shut up!  
  
Harry : [[opening his eyes]] Hagrid!  
  
Hagrid: who were you expecting?  
  
Harry: well I sometimes expect-  
  
Hagrid: NEVERMIND! So! Off to Diagon Alley then!  
  
Harry: where?  
  
Hagrid: Diagon Alley  
  
Harry: Where?  
  
Hagrid: Diagon Alley  
  
Harry: Where?  
  
Hagrid: ok stop. We are going to this place in London where we can get your wizardly stuff. As you're a wizard and that.  
  
Harry: I'm a what?  
  
Hagrid: SIGH!  
  
[[on the way to the Leaky Cauldron]]  
  
Harry [[reading his list]] Students require: [[suddenly shouting for no apparent reason]]: THREE SETS OF PLAIN BLACK ROBES! A PLAIN POINTED HAT! DRAGON HIDE GLOVES! WINTER CLOAK! 8 SPELL BOOKS CALLED-  
  
Hagrid: would you stop? People are looking at ya funny.  
  
Harry: it says that we can have a pet, like and owl or a cat or a toad or a [[shudders]] Ring-Tailed Lemur. Can we get all these things like wands and phials in London?  
  
Hagrid: if you look to your left.  
  
[[Harry looked at his hands and found out which way was left, and looked]]  
  
Harry: wow  
  
Hagrid: how often do you say that?  
  
[[the was a stinky little pub on Harry's left, which is what Harry was wow- ing at]]  
  
[[they went in, and everyone came up to Harry and shook his hand.]]  
  
Someone: Doris Crackpot, I'm delighted. Your mother was so talented.  
  
Harry: get away from me!  
  
Random other person: Professor Q-q-qirrell, a stuttering maniac from Hogwarts.  
  
Hagrid: come on Harry!  
  
Harry: ok.  
  
[[in Diagon Alley. They got there cos all the bricks moved and that.]]  
  
Harry: WOW!  
  
Hagrid [[ rolls eyes skywards]]  
  
[[they went around for a while, buying stuff. Harry went to the robes shop and met a nasty guy called Malfoy, and got his wand and an owl, called Hedwig and found out this lesson: Slytherin = bad]]  
  
[[at the end of the day, Harry was getting on the train to go home to the Duhsleys]]  
  
Harry: bye  
  
Hagrid: bye. Stick to this ticket on September first.  
  
Harry: ok. Bye  
  
Hagrid: didn't we just do this? Sigh. . .  
  
A.N. sorry I was being so lazy in this chapter, but it will better in the next one. 


	4. Long one finally! the train!

A.N. ok I am so sorry for taking so long to do this one! Summer holidays! Big WHOOP! Ahem, so anyway. . .  
  
Ch 4: Platform 9 and ¾. Part 1 . . .  
  
[[Harry entered the living room where Uncle Vernon was ironing a piece of paper.]]  
  
Harry: [[unnecessarily bright voice]] Hey there Uncle Vernon.  
  
U. V. What.  
  
Harry: Guess what?  
  
U.V. what?  
  
Harry: I named my owl after you.  
  
U.V. WHAT?  
  
Harry: sorry can you not hear me?  
  
U.V. what?  
  
Harry: [[shouting]] I DIDN'T REALLY NAME MY OWL AFTER YOU! I CALLED HER HEDWIG! BIT OF AN ODD NAME HUH? WELL CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE STATION TOMORROW THEN? FOR SCHOOL?  
  
U.V. stop shouting boy! Yes I'll take you to the damn station. Have to go into town anyway.  
  
Harry: [[still shouting]] WHAT FOR?  
  
U.V. control yourself! The neighbours might hear. Isn't that a good soap? [[begins to sing]] neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, with a little understanding, you can find the perfect friend! That's when good neighbours, become good friends. Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-d friends.  
  
Harry [[totally confused]] so . . . why are you going to town?  
  
U.V. Dudley, monkey tail, removed.  
  
Harry: ahhh. . . .  
  
[[Harry is standing at Kings Cross Station.]]  
  
U.V. Well, bye!  
  
Harry: but but but but . . .  
  
U.V. what?  
  
Harry: nothing! Just thought it sounded good. Which it does. See ya then!  
  
U.V. right. . .  
  
A.P. Vernon drive! We don't have to se him till June next year!  
  
U.V. [[doing a spazz dance while singing and driving out of the station]] celebrate good times come on! Do do do do, do do dooo!  
  
Harry: ok . . .  
  
[[Harry approaches a guard]]  
  
[[Inaudible whispers between Harry and the guard.]]  
  
Harry: [[moving away from the guard]] damn!  
  
Some Randomer: [[singing]] muggles muggles everywhere. Look! They're here! Look they're there!  
  
Harry: [[turning to look at her]] what the hell?  
  
The Randomer: come on Ginny! Sing along! [[begins to sing again now with a little red haired girl joining in as four red haired boys approached the two singing females]] Muggles muggles everywhere. We just stop! Stop and stare!  
  
Percy: Mother!  
  
Fred and George: mum!  
  
Ron: Mum!  
  
[[All the red heads turn and stare at Ron]]  
  
Ron: Sorry, I just felt I had to say something and that's all that came out.  
  
Fred: ok Ron  
  
George: We believe you.  
  
Mrs Weasley: [[how do we suddenly know her name? Hmm? Well I'll tell you. We're smart. Yep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.]] Boys calm down! Stop freaking out and overreacting! Just for the love of god CALM DOWN!  
  
[[Looong pause]]  
  
Harry: excuse me?  
  
Mrs W: Yes?  
  
Harry: how do I get there?  
  
Mrs W: Huh?  
  
Harry: y'know, there.  
  
Mrs W:[[suddenly understanding Harry's total craziness]] OH! Right. You just run through the wall between stations 8 and 6.  
  
Ginny: Mum. That would mean we're going through to station 7.  
  
Mrs W: Ginny please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to this little munchkin.  
  
Harry: NO! I AM NOT A MUNCHKIN!  
  
Mrs W: course not darling. Right Percy! Let's go!  
  
[[Eventually Harry's on the train. All alone in his little compartment.]]  
  
[[For some odd reason, he can magically hear the Weasley's conversation, as the train is about to leave.]]  
  
Percy: Well Mother! See you! Perfects are up at the front you see.  
  
Mrs W: A perfect! I'm so proud!  
  
Fred: Why does he need a badge to tell him he's perfect?  
  
George: You tell him the entire time mum!  
  
Fred: not to mention that mirror he's got. "Oh Percy you are perfect! You will get that lovely perfect badge!"  
  
Percy: Be quiet!  
  
Mrs W: Fred, George. I don't want Dumbledore to send me a Ring Tailed Lemur saying you've destroyed a toilet!  
  
Fred: But we already destroyed a -  
  
George: Mum! Don't you worry about us.  
  
Ginny: So who was that boy then?  
  
Fred & George: Harry Potter!  
  
Mrs W: how do you know that?  
  
Fred: well let's see. It's the name of this story, and the entire thing is based around the boy!  
  
George: Do you really think we play any real importance in this story?  
  
Ron: I do.  
  
Fred: shush Ron.  
  
Ron: but I -  
  
[[Loud whistle]]  
  
Mrs W: love you all! Kisses!  
  
Ron, Percy, Fred & George: Bye!  
  
Fred & George: Love Love!  
  
[[The train pulled away from the station]]  
  
Ron: [[entering the carriage]] hi there  
  
Harry: Hi.  
  
Ron: Do you mind if I sit in here, it's just that I don't want to be alone.  
  
Harry: sure  
  
Ron: thanks.  
  
[[Long pause]]  
  
Ron: is it true that you're Harry Potter?  
  
Harry: yep.  
  
Ron: And you mum was Lily Potter?  
  
Harry: er. . . yes.  
  
Ron: wow. Do you have any pictures of her?  
  
Harry: who? My mum?  
  
Ron:[[nods]]  
  
Harry: sorry no.  
  
Ron: ah well.  
  
Harry: are you and all those boys and that girl from the same family?  
  
Ron: yes. Couldn't you tell from the red hair?  
  
Harry: oh right. Sorry.  
  
Ron: nah it's ok. I'm usually just "one of the red heads" nothing special. It's kind of nice to be thought that I might not be related to them and be my own person once and be appreciated and respected for the person I am.  
  
Harry: ok. . .  
  
Ron: I saw you have an owl.  
  
Harry: That's Hedwig.  
  
Ron: cool name. I have a Ring Tailed Lemur. He's called Scabby.  
  
[[He takes out the Ring Tailed Lemur, which is, to Harry's relief, asleep]]  
  
Ron: [[off Harry's look]] Don't you like him?  
  
Harry: I just don't like Ring Tailed Lemurs. I had a bad experience with one quite recently.  
  
Ron: ah. . .  
  
Harry: Do you think I'll be bad at magic?  
  
Ron: maybe. [[begins to sing to himself]] come on over, come on over baby, come on over, come on over baby, hey boy don't you know I got something goin' on. Do do do do.  
  
Harry: right. . . .  
  
[[The witch with the food trolley comes to their compartment and they get a load of. . . . stuff. . . .to . . . eat . . .]]  
  
Ron: oooh Chocolate clowns!  
  
Harry: what are they?  
  
Ron: They're just chocolate in the shape of clowns, but they have a collectable cactus in every one!  
  
Harry: wow!  
  
Ron: and the pictures and portraits of wizards move!  
  
Harry: how is that relevant?  
  
Ron: haven't you read the. . . oh never mind.  
  
Harry: the people in pictures stay still in muggle photos.  
  
Ron: weird. Wow you got Leafy Lotts Autumn flavour beans!  
  
Harry: are they good?  
  
Ron: Well there's apple crumble flavour, rhubarb flavour, tree flavour, and of course, leaf flavour.  
  
Harry: wow.  
  
Neville: [[walking in]] anyone seen my toad?  
  
Ron: sorry.  
  
Neville: damn!  
  
[[he left]]  
  
Ron: toads are useless. I wonder why he wants to keep him so much. Ah well I've got scabby, so who knows?  
  
Harry: yeah. . .  
  
A.N. part two of this chapter will be up as soon as possible. Review! NOW! 


	5. still on the train

Ch- 4: Platform 9 and ¾ Part 2..  
  
[[Harry and Ron are still in their little carriage pigging out as Neville once again enters.]]  
  
Neville: Are you sure you haven't seen my toad?  
  
Ron: For the last time no!  
  
Neville: Ok! Stop freaking out!  
  
Ron: I was NOT freaking ou-  
  
Harry: Ron! Chill.  
  
Ron: Ok, I am chilled.  
  
Neville: Let me know if you find him then will you?  
  
Harry: Sure.  
  
[[Neville leaves.]]  
  
Harry: what a spazz.  
  
Ron: I know.  
  
Harry: So.. [[Trying desperately to think of something to say.]] What does Scabby do then?  
  
Ron: Nothing. He used to be Percy, but then he got an owl, you know, for becoming a Perfect, so I got Scabby. I think I can turn him green though, to liven him up a bit.  
  
Harry: Go on then!  
  
Ron: Lush green clovers, found in Dover, and lots of-  
  
Hermione [[Bursting in.]] Hey! Have either of you seen Neville's toad?  
  
Ron: this is just getting on my nerves now. NO!  
  
Hermione: All right, calm down. [[She is about to leave, but turns when she sees Ron's wand.]] Oh! Are you doing magic? Let's see then!  
  
Ron: Err . . . Ok. Lush green clovers, found in Dover, and lots of fields to be seen, an emerald farm, and jade coloured yarn, and turn my useless Lemur green!  
  
[[He waved his wand, but nothing happened.]]  
  
Hermione: I'm not sure that's REAL magic. I tried one or two hundred spells, and they all seem to work fine for me.  
  
Harry: yeah, well I'm Harry Potter so there!  
  
Hermione: Really? I hear your mother was very talented.  
  
Ron: She was!  
  
Harry: ok . . ..  
  
Hermione: Well I better be going. Harry, nice to have met you, and you [[she turned to Ron]] you're a dirty grubby, filthy boy!  
  
Ron: [[look of utter bewilderment]]  
  
Hermione: Ok then, bye Harry! By the way you might want to change into your uniforms, we'll be there soon. [[She leaves]]  
  
[[They change into their clothes, which are all pink and green]]  
  
[[Malfoy and cronies enter.]]  
  
Malfoy: oh yuck! They're changing!  
  
Harry: Ah! Get out!  
  
Malfoy: My family is better than the Weasley's Potter! Be my friend and I won't mind you changing!  
  
Harry: Yuck! No thanks!  
  
Malfoy: Fine. Crabbe, Goyle, let's go!  
  
[[They leave]]  
  
[[The train stops, and everyone jumps off. Weeeeeee!]]  
  
Hagrid: Harry! Are ya all right? ALL FIRST YEARS THIS WAY! MOVE IT!  
  
Harry: Fine thanks!  
  
Hagrid: good good. First years, into a boat!  
  
[[Everyone in the first year jumps (Weeeeeee again!) into a boat]]  
  
Hagrid: BACKWARDS!  
  
[[The boats began to move!]]  
  
[[When the boats reached the shore, everyone got out and a toad croaked.]]  
  
Hagrid: Who's is this?  
  
Neville: Mine!  
  
Hagrid: What's your name son?  
  
Neville: [[not listening]] Oh Trevor!  
  
Hagrid: ok well you be careful now Trevor.  
  
[[Hagrid approached a set off wooden castle doors, and began to tap an intricate code on the door. The doors swung open. . . ]]  
  
[[Who knows what will be found inside? Who knows? Well everyone. The school is behind those doors, obviously. But act like you don't know!]] 


	6. The sorting device

Chapter 5 – The interesting Sorting device  
  
Previously- Hagrid tapped out an intricate code on the doors and…  
  
And now-  
  
Voice: Psst! Hagrid!  
  
Hagrid: [[looks up]] oh, professor Flitwick!  
  
P. Flit: It's: tap tap thump tap. Tap thump bang. Not tap tap tap tap tap tap thump! Oh shudder….  
  
Hagrid: Right you are professor!  
  
[[He quickly repeats the intricate code and McGonagall opens the door, looking impatient.]]  
  
P. Mc: At last! Honestly Hagrid! Can't you even remember a simple series of knocks?  
  
Random Passing Fairy: *I* thought it was rather intricate.  
  
P. Mc: Quiet you! Now! First years! Inside!  
  
[[All the first years walked in and went: "Woooo!" "Ahhh!"]]  
  
[[She took them into a little room, and Malfoy was unfortunately standing very close behind Harry, and kept touching his arse]]  
  
P. Mc: Welcome to Hogwarts! The feasty thing will start momentarily. But first you will be sorted. This is where I say a big speech about your houses. By the by, they are called: Slimey, Gargoyle, Hobknob, and Ravenous. Right, I'll come and get you momentarily. [[Muttering to herself as she left the room]] I like saying momentarily. Momentarily momentarily! Weee!  
  
[[Suddenly there is a sound of helicopters.]]  
  
Ron: I'm going to wet myself.  
  
Harry: Ew…  
  
[[Hundreds upon thousands of ghosts entered the tiny room in a helicopter. No one quite understood how the helicopter got in with out them noticing or how it was able to fit in the tiny room, but of course, Hermione stepped in and told them all "it's probably just magic" "ahh…" came the reply of one hundred and eight reassured students.]]  
  
Harry: How are we sorted?  
  
Ron: If I ever come out of this state of nervous collapse, I'll let you know.  
  
Harry: Good good.  
  
Nearly Legless Lucas: Be in Slimey! It rocks my socks!  
  
The Slender Monk: Lucas, maybe you should stop with the boozing, you're in Gargoyle remember?  
  
N. L. L.: I know that. Gargoyle rocks my socks! And it's manly!  
  
T. S. M.: I'm the Hobknob ghost. We get all kinds of delicious biscuit treats!  
  
The Slimey Duke: Slimey's the best house in the village, the brightest bulb in the box, the sharpest tool in the shed, the-  
  
N. L. L.: oh shut up!  
  
P. Mc: [[Appearing from no where]] Come on first years! We're going to be sorted now! How fun!  
  
N. L. L.: bye bye little trees!  
  
Harry: Bye!  
  
[[They entered the Great Hall]]  
  
[[There are many more "Oooh!"'s and "Ahh!"'s]]  
  
Harry [[Looking at the incredible enchanted ceiling]] How do they –  
  
Hermione: Magic.  
  
Everyone in the first year: Aaahhh…  
  
P. Mc: Right! Here we go! This is the Sorting Sock. You will place it on your head, and it will sniff you and tell you which house you ought to be in. But first, the Sorting Sock's song is to be sung.  
  
The Sorting Sock:  
  
Oh you may not think I'm fragrant,  
  
But don't judge on what you smell.  
  
I'll rip myself if you can sniff,  
  
Another sock that can yell.  
  
You can keep your trainer socks short,  
  
And your leg warmers nice and long.  
  
But I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Sock,  
  
And boy I have some pong!  
  
There's nothing in your head,  
  
The Sorting Sock can't sniff.  
  
So try me on and I will tell you,  
  
Which house makes the best spliff.  
  
You may belong in Gargoyle,  
  
Where booze is off the chart!  
  
The drinking and the manliness,  
  
Sets Gargoyle apart.  
  
You might belong in Hobknob,  
  
Oh the things those Hobknobs soil!  
  
Those Hobknobs are such biscuit-eaters,  
  
And unafraid of toil.  
  
Or yet in hungry Ravenous,  
  
If you've got no food in time.  
  
Those Ravenous eat barely nothing!  
  
They are so thin and fine!  
  
Or perhaps in Slimey,  
  
You'll have the skill to bend.  
  
Those freaky folk are weird and will,  
  
Meet their freaky end.  
  
So put me on! Give me a sniff!  
  
And don't look act like such a rock!  
  
You're in safe feet (that makes no sense)  
  
For I'm a sniffing Sock!  
  
[[There was a small smatter of applause]]  
  
Ron: [[whispering to Harry]] Did that make *any* sense to you?  
  
Harry: None at all.  
  
P. Mc: Right! The first person to try on the Sorting Sock will be… [[She looks around and picks someone at random]] You!  
  
[[The little kid jumped onto a conveniently placed stage, and put the Sorting Sock on his head.]]  
  
Sorting Sock: Hmm, interesting aroma, smells a bit like caramel, maybe with some biscuit around it, oh yes this has definitely got to be… HOBKNOB!  
  
[[The kid jumped down and went and sat with the Hobknobs. This whole "sorting thing went on for some time, until…]]  
  
P. Mc: Ok, Malfoy! You're up!  
  
[[Malfoy smacked Harry once more as he walked to the stage and put the Sorting Sock on hi greasy, somewhat Snape like hair. Oh wait, we don't know anyone called Snape do we? Ah ha ha ha ha ha… must just be a simple mistake… yes that's it… *shifty glance*]]  
  
Sorting Sock: Ugh! This smells disgusting! Oh it's got to be SLIMEY!  
  
[[Malfoy jumped down from the stage, winked at Harry and went to the Slimey table.]]  
  
P. Mc: Ok, Red head! Weasley boy!  
  
[[Ron turned green and went to the stage]]  
  
Sorting Sock: Another one? Oh god… right Weasley… GARGOYLE!  
  
[[Ron also winked at Harry, but had a different meaning all together.]]  
  
P. Mc: Harry Pooter.  
  
[[There is a long silence]]  
  
P. Mc: Oh sorry, my mistake. Harry Potter.  
  
[[There are lotsa whispers about the hall]]  
  
[[Harry got up and went to the stage, and put the smelly Sorting Sock on his very scruffy head]]  
  
Sorting Sock: Hmm… Well, I can smell slime. You'd obviously be good in Slimey then…  
  
Harry: Please not Hobknob. Please not Hobknob.  
  
Sorting Sock: Not Hobknob eh? Well I guess it better be SLI-  
  
Harry: NO! I meant Slimey. Sorry. Please not Slimey. Please not Slimey. Or Hobknob.  
  
Sorting Sock: Ok then. GARGOYLE!  
  
Harry: WOOO!  
  
[[The feast took place, and everyone… uh… ate… stuff]]  
  
[[Harry looked at a teacher over on the teacher's table and fell off his chair, holding his shoulder in pain.]]  
  
Ron: Harry! What's wrong?  
  
Harry: It's my shoulder, you know, where my scar is.  
  
Ron: [[Gasp]]  
  
Harry: yeah, who's the teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?  
  
Percy: [[Butting in]] That's Professor Snape [[HA! You know him now!]] The potions master.  
  
Harry: I see… Will we have to sing a song?  
  
Fred:[[Gives him a weird look]] As if Harry!  
  
George: How stupid would that be?  
  
[[At the end of the feast, Dumbledore stood up.]]  
  
Dumbledore: Ah music. How I love it. Now, off to bed with you!  
  
Harry: uh…  
  
Ron: Just leave it Harry.  
  
[[Eventually they got to the portrait of the anorexic lady]]  
  
Anorexic Lady: Password?  
  
Percy: Dracut Capconis.  
  
A.L.: Go on then.  
  
[[The portrait swung forward and they all went in, and went to their separate dormitories.]]  
  
Harry: Ron?  
  
Ron: Yeah?  
  
Harry: I lov- [[He fell asleep]]  
  
Ron: Night Harry. 


	7. Snape is a farmer!

Author climbs into bed after a hard day travelling and such.  
  
A: [[Looking out the window]] Oooh! That girl's making a mosaic! [[Spying a glass of water on the shelf]] Mmmm. Nothing I like more than week-old water. Mmmm. [[She begins to sip.]]  
  
Ron: [[Walking in]] Uh. hi.  
  
Audience: Woooo!  
  
A: [[Through water, so kinda gargling like.]] Ogr! ("Oh!")  
  
R: Aren't you supposed to be writing the fan fiction?  
  
A: Whag Fayn Fig shun? ("What Fan Fiction?")  
  
R: The one with Harry Potter? And me? And his adventures and mishaps in Hogwarts?  
  
A: [[Swallowing]] Oh yeah.  
  
There is a long pause.  
  
A: Why are you still here?  
  
R: You have to write me in.  
  
A: You what? [[Looking out the window.]] Oh no! the mosaic girl died!  
  
R: I have to be written into the correct scene. I'm staying here till you start typing that I'm somewhere else.  
  
A: I see. [[She makes and intrigued face and strokes her chin for effect]]  
  
There is another long pause. Author is still stroking her chin and looking intrigued.  
  
R: so.. Are you going to start writing?  
  
A: Righty oh then!  
  
R: sure.  
  
A: but first, come and give me a kiss on the cheek.  
  
R: Why?  
  
A: because you're so charming and handsome, it would be rude to leave without a polite, gentleman-like kiss. Comprede?  
  
R: ok.  
  
Ron walks to the author and gives her a peck on the cheek.  
  
Audience: WOOOOO!  
  
Author: thanks. Ok. [[gets distracted and looks out the window again]] Hey look! It was a puzzle not a mosaic!  
  
Author wakes up from a deep sleep.  
  
A: wasn't there something I was supposed to do?  
  
Little voice in Author's head: faaaaaaan fiiiiiiictiooooon. Faaaaaaaaaaaan fiiiiiiiiiictiooooonnn!  
  
A: Oh well. I can't remember. Maybe I'll do some fanfiction.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter 6- The Poisons Master.. I mean, Potions Master of course I do. he He he.  
  
[[Everyone was staring at Harry the next day as he made his way to his lessons the next day.]]  
  
Harry: it's really irritating.  
  
Ron: He you should really get over it. I mean, your mother was so talented and everything, so it's not only irritating, but understandable too.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Ron: Never mind. Hey what were you going to say last night, when you said I lov-?  
  
Harry: Oh. I was going to say I love treacle tart, but I fell asleep.  
  
Ron: Ok then.  
  
[[There were only 4000 staircases in Hogwarts, but Harry was constantly getting lost.]]  
  
[[The ghosts also really pissed the first years off. Nearly Legless Lucas kept asking them if they had any booze, and Pog the Poltergeist followed Harry solidly for a day, throwing things at his poor bum, which had been brutally maimed the evening before by a very freaky Malfoy. Worse than Pog was the caretaker Fergus Acne, who wanted to tickle them to death with pink feather dusters when they got mud on the carpet. Fergus also had an evil Ring Tailed Lemur, caller Mr Borris, who was albino]]  
  
[[Then there were the lessons. Every Wednesday night they went to the green houses to study plants, and they also had to study the planets and stars, which they did in a magical room that reflected the night sky during the day, and the day sky during the night. There was also American History of Magic, which was when they studied the history of magic; weirdly enough, but how the Americans used magic. Then there was Charms, taught by Professor Flitwick. Then there was Professor McGonagall, who taught Transferation, in which she taught them how to apply temporary tattoos without having to wait a minute with a wet sponge. On their first lesson with her, she transferred a tattoo to her desk, which would stay for over a year, it was a pig. But achieving a temporary tattoos that would last for over a year would be very difficult and take a lot of hard work and practice. So far the only person who was any good was Hermione, who had managed to transfer a tattoo of a needle on her arm, which was still visible a week later, everyone else's dissolved within the hour. Then there were the Defence Against the Blue Arts lessons, which was taught by Professor Quirrell. Everyone was 100% sure he was gay, but he always denied it, and went off muttering to himself, which made the lessons very difficult as he kept running off in the middle of them.]]  
  
[[Here we are on a Monday morning at breakfast in the Great Hall]]  
  
Harry: Double Potions with the Slimey's. Who teaches it?  
  
Ron: Professor Snape.  
  
Harry: Oh. Him. [[Dark Look]]  
  
[[Hedwig flew down next to Ron and gave him an affectionate nip.]]  
  
Harry: Hedwig! You're my owl! Not Ron's! Give me my mail!  
  
Ron: Well she seems to like me better than you. [[To Hedwig]] Do you have any mail for me Hedwig?  
  
[[Hedwig stuck out her leg in front of Ron, and when Harry tried to take it, She snapped around and bit his finger]]  
  
Harry: OW! Stupid owl.  
  
Ron: Don't be so mean to your owl. [[He stroked Hedwig, and she once again put out her leg, but kept shooting angry glances at Harry]]  
  
Ron: [[Reading The letter]] Oh. Harry, you have an appointment about your rash, and it should clear up in a couple of days.  
  
Harry: RON!  
  
Ron: Ok sorry. Hagrid wants to meet us for tea down in his ditch by the Forest.  
  
Harry: sounds good.  
  
Ron: Ok then. [[To Hedwig]] I'm going to write an answer, will you take it back to him for me?  
  
[[Hedwig gave Ron another affectionate nip.]]  
  
Ron:[[Writing his answer]] Good girl.  
  
Harry: Hedwig, I'll give you some toast if you obey me from now on.  
  
Hedwig: [[SQUAWK!]]  
  
Ron: God Harry! She likes bacon rashers don't you?  
  
Hedwig: [[Soft hoot]]  
  
[[Ron tied the reply to Hagrid on Hedwig's leg, and gave her three rashers of bacon]]  
  
Ron: Bye Hedwig.  
  
[[Hedwig flew off, smacking into Harry as she went to purposely annoy him]]  
  
Harry: God!  
  
Ron: I think I might change her name, as she's pretty much mine now. What about Amber?  
  
Harry: Ron! She's still my owl!  
  
Ron: Sure Harry. Sure!  
  
Harry: [[Inaudible grumble]]  
  
[[They went down to potions]]  
  
[[potions took place in the cellars, amongst tins of powdered egg and long life milk, in case of a house elf strike. It was very cold in them cellars it were. Very cold indeed. Brr, cold.]]  
  
[[As Snape took the register, he kept shooting glances at Harry, and when he read Harry's name.]]  
  
Snape: Ah yes, Harry Potter. Our. New. Combine Harvester.  
  
[[Almost everyone looked confused, but Malfoy just yawned. How weird. Hmm]]  
  
[[After Snape finished taking the register.]]  
  
Snape: I am about to recite a very big speech, which I took ages to learn, so listen.  
  
[[He took a deeeep breath.]]  
  
Snape: Ok here we go! You are here to learn, or rather, try to grasp the obvious science and sloppy art of poison, I mean potion making. There is little clever wand waving here, so many of you will be most certainly sure it is magic- which of course is correct, it is magic. I do expect some of you to understand the beauty of a softly simmering manure bag, with it's posioness gases, the brittle powder of liquids that creep through pig veins, bewitching the corn, ensnaring the wheat. The rest of you. I gave up hope when I walked through the door. I can teach you how to bottle oats, brew barley, and even put a stopper in cocoa- if you aren't as big a bunch of Billy goats I usually have to teach.  
  
[[He took another deeeeep breath]]  
  
Ron: where do you think he-  
  
Snape: Zip it Tractor Boy!  
  
Ron: [[quietly]] he's a farmer isn't he?  
  
Harry: [[loudly]] So I presume.  
  
Snape: Harvester! I beseech thee!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Ron: he seems to be an old farmer too.  
  
Snape: Had I the power Combine, I would rip out your wheels from beneath you! But since I do not posses such a power, I will be brutal. What would I get if I added powdered pigs' gall bladder to an infusion of barley?  
  
Harry: uh..  
  
Snape: Exactly! Clearly pole-dancers aren't everything!  
  
Harry: what?  
  
Snape: let's try again Harvester. Where would you look if I told you to find a Gruff?  
  
Harry: Hmm..  
  
Snape: Aha!  
  
[[Almost everyone jumped]]  
  
Snape: thought you'd read the wrong books eh?  
  
Harry: what?  
  
Snape: thought you'd act like a bit of an eejit eh?  
  
Harry: huh?  
  
Snape: What is the difference, Harvester, between corner corn and corner wheat?  
  
[[Hermione was jumping up and down]]  
  
Hermione: pick me Nigel! Pick me!  
  
Harry: I don't know Sir, but pick Hermione Nigel.  
  
Snape: Sit down Thresher Girl! For your information Harvester, pig's gall bladder and barley make a really healthy country soup, a Gruff is found in all farmyards containing Billy Goats, and as for Corner corn and corner wheat, they are two farmyard crops, which are referred to in the farmyard crops gathering card game, Pit. Well? Why aren't you copying this all down? And two thirds of a point will be taken from Gargoyle Harvester, for your cheek. 


	8. Hagrid's ditch

Chapter 7- Hagrid's ditch.  
  
[[After a gruelling potions lesson, in which Snape had made them sing a song about Combine Harvesters.]]  
  
Seamus, Dean and Neville walked past Harry and Ron.  
  
Seamus: All together now!  
  
Seamus, Neville + Dean: [Singing] Oh I've got a brand new combine Harvester . . .  
  
Harry: They're all mental.  
  
Ron: [singing quietly to himself] Combine Harvester, combine harvester, combine harvester . . .  
  
Harry: RON!  
  
Ron: [Falling over in shock] WAH!  
  
Harry: I hated that lesson.  
  
Ron: Me too.  
  
Harry: Do you want to go to Hagrid's ditch now?  
  
Ron: Sure.  
  
[[He got up, and off they went.]]  
  
[[As the set off across the grounds to Hagrid's cosy, smelly little ditch, they spoke of memories past.]]  
  
When Harry knocked he heard a frantic scrabbling from inside and several booming chirps. Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying: "Back Wine Gum, Away from the door!"]]  
  
He let them in, but gave them big neck pads to keep his Vampire Canary, Wine Gum, off their necks.  
  
[[There were hundreds of rooms in the ditch, as it was so long, but unfortunately they weren't all very nice rooms, as it was a ditch. I mean, come on!]]  
  
Hagrid: Make me a home!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hagrid: Err . . . never mind. No Wine Gum!  
  
[[Wine Gum has started biting Ron's ears.]] Harry: That's Ron.  
  
Hagrid: A Malfoy eh?  
  
Ron: No! A Weasley! And Damn proud of it too.  
  
Hagrid: Oh. We'll good for yer.  
  
Harry: Fergus Acne is really mean.  
  
Hagrid: I know! And that albino Ring Tailed Lemur o' his! What an ugly thing.  
  
Ron: Who, Mr Borris?  
  
Hagrid: Yer. 'Im.  
  
Harry: Snape was a bit of a Rude Boy too.  
  
Hagrid: Well he's like that to everyone!  
  
Harry: He's such a farmer!  
  
Hagrid: Rubbish! Why should he?  
  
Harry: Why should he what?  
  
Hagrid: Err, never mind. Ron! How's Chazza?  
  
Ron: Charlie? He's great.  
  
[[While Ron spoke to Hagrid, Harry went on a walk to some of the less nice rooms to have a snoop. After checking Hagrid's stocks and pension plan, Harry found what he was *really* looking for. (What's that then?) He picked it up, and conveniently, read it aloud.]]  
  
Harry: Grungy Bank Break-in, the latest news.  
  
Investigations continue into the break-in of Grungy Bank on the 1st of August, widely believed to be the work of fluffy witches and wizards unknown.  
  
Grungers and Moshers from the bank insisted nothing was taken. The vault that was search had in fact been cleaned that very same day, and emptied the day before.  
  
"But I want to get back to my Linkin Park CD, so shove off." said a Grunger's Spoke's Mosher today.  
  
Wow.  
  
[[He wandered back to the living room and told Hagrid about the strange coincidence.]]  
  
Hagrid: [grunt]  
  
[[Later Harry wondered about the strange coincidence some more, and went to sleep-as you do.]] 


End file.
